I Have a Confession to Make
TW: RAPE, SEXUAL ASSAULT.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, so I thought this was the perfect opportunity to confess. Sadly, on my 22nd birthday, February 18th, 2010, I was sexually assaulted.
My confession is that I don’t feel like a genuine sexual assault victim or survivor. The reason is that I was not traditionally raped (penile-vagina intercourse); my assault is classified as an object rape.
Object rape means I was unlawfully penetrated by the guy’s hand or, in simpler terms, he fingered me without my consent.
For the first few years after my assault, I always considered myself a rape victim because what happened to me is defined as rape by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI).
Yet, it wasn’t until several years ago that I started feeling imposter syndrome and feeling like I shouldn’t call myself a sexual assault survivor.
I Don’t Believe I’m Worthy of the Title.
No one wants to have the title of sexual assault survivor or victim of sexual abuse, yet I don’t believe I’m even worthy of calling myself a survivor. I don’t think I’m worthy of the title. I feel like an imposter when I call myself a survivor.
I don’t feel like I’m worthy of representing the me-too status.
That’s because my assault wasn’t violent and evasive as others, and it wasn’t a traditional rape (penile-vaginal rape), making me an imposter.
I go through life with conflicting theories concerning my assault, making it difficult to heal from the trauma I endured on my birthday twelve years ago.
I want to be a part of the community of sexual assault survivors to receive and show support to my fellow survivors, but a part of me thinks that they won’t accept me due to the nature of my assault.
Even though, deep down, I genuinely believe they will take me in no matter what, I still struggle with the thought that the community of survivors will shun me.